Thoughts of You
by Rose38
Summary: Jet tries to sort through his thoughts about Spike that have been in his head too long. He ends up writing them down. Spike discovers them. Will they be able to be returned and have some sort of relationship? Set before the start of the show Contains slash / yaoi (more so in later chapters) please do not read if that offends you.
1. Chapter 1 - Jet's thoughts

**Disclaimer / Warning / Authors Note : First things first, I do not own any of the characters in Cowboy Bebop and make no money writing this story. Jet and Spike slash - in this case romantic feelings and thoughts Jet has towards Spike, if you are uncomfortable with that please don't read. Set before the start of the show, I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to message me with comments or suggestions. Current first draft - may be edited slightly. This chapter can stand alone or be read with the others that follow. **

Jet sits down at the table, needing to sort through the thoughts in his head that have weighed on his mind for too long. The words quickly flow on the paper, each emotion, just with the intent to try to settle his mind. The pages remain open and read as follows:

**Thoughts of you**

These thoughts of you they seem to invade my mind without warning and they won't let me go.

I wonder if you remember when we first met. I remember your eyes they seemed so haunted and filled with such pain. You seemed to carry the weight of the world within you. Unable to let anyone know or to let anyone get close.

Sometimes in the middle of the night I hear your screams, just two names you call out every time. I think of how I would take away all of your pain if only you would let me. Come into my arms and lay your head down, I'll keep you safe, if you would let me.

My eyes follow you wherever you go. Sometimes I wonder how you don't realize this, how you seem so oblivious. Or perhaps it's just you are unable to care.

Can't you feel the walls between us? Maybe you like it that way. All the walls around you, surrounding your heart.

I want to break down your walls and teach you how to trust again. How to love and smile. Even if it's not with me.

They invade my head these thoughts of you. Leaving me unable to concentrate on anything else. Sometimes I wish they would just disappear, but I wouldn't be the same without you.

Remembering every line of your face, your expressions, your body, I must have them all memorized by now, etched in my head.

Not that you are mine, not that you ever could be. That doesn't stop the mind from wandering from hoping.

Everyone I care for seems to leave to me, a result of me caring and protecting too much. Perhaps if I were someone else and I could care less and you would stay, but I could never care less and be that someone else. I guess someday you'll leave me to like they all have.

Let me and my thoughts in, that's all I want from you is a chance. I would take that chance and show you that no one could love you more, keep you from all harm and the things that wish to hurt you and I'd show you how to smile again.

I doubt I'll ever get this chance, you still seem too frozen from your pain and unwilling to trust again.

I'll be here like I always am, watching, waiting patiently, being whatever is needed, whatever is allowed by you.

You make all the rules, call all of the shots between us. You should know that by now. I'll be waiting whatever your move may be.


	2. Chapter 2 - a confrontation

**Disclaimer / Warning / Authors Note : First things first, I do not own any of the characters in Cowboy Bebop and make no money writing this story. Jet and Spike slash - in this case romantic feelings and thoughts Jet has towards Spike, if you are uncomfortable with that please don't read. Set before the start of the show, I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to message me with comments or suggestions. Current first draft - may be edited slightly. This chapter may have started to move in a more angsty / dramatic direction than originally intended.**

Chapter 2

Spike tosses the notebook over so it lands near Jet, onto the floor. "Jet tell me what this is," his voice sounds a bit rough as he asks. He wasn't surprised when he read his friend's feelings, Jet was never able to hide them. He had known for some time how Jet had felt, it shows as clear as day in his every action towards Spike. He looks intently at Jet, his face not showing any emotion whatsoever.

Jet looks up to him, seemingly stunned and caught off guard, the color drained from his face. He reaches for the notebook, holding it to him protectively. "That was supposed to be private Spike, its none of your damn business what it is," he growls.

"It's about me, you don't think that makes it my business?" Spike perches next to him on the couch, a little too close for Jet's comfort.

"Everything doesn't always have to be about you Spike. Those are my personal thoughts, it clears things in my head when I write them down."

"Oh so that had nothing to do with me at all? Just some other random person you live with and see each day?" He leans towards Jet intent on getting answers, baiting him.

Jet finds himself shifting on the couch flustered by Spike's nearness and persistent questioning. "Just leave it alone," there's a warning in Jet's voice.

"I don't want to leave it alone Jet, I want to hear it from you."

There is a long pause and silence fills the room, followed by a sigh, very softly he speaks turning his head away. Feelings laid bare, everything out on the table. "Not sure why it matters so much to you, but yeah it's about you, it's always been about you Spike, no one else since you arrived."

Spike places a hand against Jet's face, turning it up towards him and brushes his lips over Jet's gently at first, then more insistently. Jet feels his breath catch in surprise and himself almost unable to react, quickly returning the kiss, only to have Spike pull away abruptly. His hand rests on Jet's chest. "I'm not what you seem to think I am. I don't need you to take care of me, to help me get over anything. You can't heal me, and honestly I'm not even sure I would want it if you could. I'm not anything that's good for you Jet, you deserve someone more stable, more caring, something that has a chance in hell of lasting. I'm not any of that." The voice is chilly, laced with bitterness, his hand pushes Jet from him as he stands again.

Jet struggles to process the change in his friend's demeanor, feeling the little bit of hope he had dashed. "I don't believe you Spike, if you aren't comfortable around me anymore I respect that and you can go if you want. I'm not going to place pressure on you or do anything you don't want, it's always up to you."

"I'm not good for you, I can only hurt you, it will be better once you realize that." Spike just looks at him and shakes his head letting the door slam shut behind him. Jet stares at the door and wondering if that was a goodbye, a small tear at the corner of his eye, feeling a dull ache in his chest.


End file.
